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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Greek Populace Woken Up At 6 A.M. By Angela Merkel’s Voice Booming Through Loudspeakers Across Country

‘Time For Work,’ Says German Chancellor

ATHENS, GREECE—Following a sudden high-pitched squeal of audio feedback, the 11 million citizens of Greece were reportedly woken up at 6 a.m. Wednesday by German chancellor Angela Merkel informing them over loudspeakers that it was time for work. “Rise and shine, Greece! Time to get out of bed and head out to your jobs!” said Merkel, bidding the indebted nation a productive day as she has done every morning since bailout loans to Greece began six years ago. “Work is good for your country and good for the eurozone! You have 30 minutes to get ready!” According to sources, Merkel’s voice then cut out, only to return later that evening for Greece’s 10 p.m. lights-out warning.

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