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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike

WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan came out of retirement Tuesday to raise interest rates on federal funds by a quarter of a point.

"You may remember this one from 1989," said Greenspan, barely audible above the roar of an estimated crowd of 20,000 gathered in front of the Marriner S. Eccles Building. "But before I start, I think I'm gonna need [current Federal Reserve chairman] Ben [Bernanke]'s help with this. C'mon up here, Ben."

Greenspan refused to comment on buzz that he was planning a five-nation comeback tour to stabilize international housing markets.

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