Greenspan, Entourage Demolish Hotel Room

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Vol 35 Issue 06

Three Boomers Feared Dead In Jenga Collapse

MARIETTA, GA—Three Baby Boomers are still missing following Friday's collapse of a massive Jenga tower in this Atlanta suburb. "[Woodstock attendee] Iris [Kelcher] seemed to take the worst of it," said Bruce Andrews, who was born 10 months after V-J Day. "But I maintain hope that she's still alive somewhere in the outlying rubble." Also unaccounted for in the Jenga collapse are Jefferson Airplane fan Kenneth Courson, 54, and former Timothy Leary follower Sylvia Voss, 53.

Creative Asterisk Makes Reader Unaware Of Word 'Fuck'

NEW YORK—A profanity-laced quote from comedian Chris Rock in the latest issue of Newsweek was successfully bowdlerized, leaving subscriber Liz Haines with no idea what was meant by the sanitized non-word "f*ck." "I'm baffled," Haines said of the creative censoring. "In the article, Mr. Rock is quoted as saying, 'To be honest, I don't give a f*ck what my critics say.' Fick? Fack? Fpck? What did he say? He could have said just about anything." This week, Newsweek will be awarded a special citation by the Center For Family-Friendly Media for ingenuity in hiding offensive words from readers.

Global-Warming Crisis Makes For Delightful Mid-February Afternoon

EDINA, MN—Impending global ecological disaster resulted in a delightful, balmy mid-February afternoon Monday. "Oooh, this is nice," said Edina resident Todd Crimmons, enjoying a 55-degree afternoon of rollerblading thanks to a rise in atmospheric carbon-dioxide levels resulting from massive overdependence on fossil fuels and the depletion of plant life. "I think I could get used to this loss of our planet's climatic integrity."

God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'

HEAVEN—Attempting to counter a decline in worldwide raspberry consumption, God announced Monday that starting March 1, the great taste of raspberries will be "even more berrilicious." "Get ready for a whole new taste sensation," God said. "Soon, raspberries will be bursting with so much outrageous fruity flavor, you'll want to call them 'razzle-dazzleberries.'" If raspberry consumption fails to increase, other changes are in store, including "magic color-change berries," available on bushes for a limited time next spring. "Slam that great fruity taste in your face," God urged.

Black Scarlet Returns!

Even though I ought to have been dead long ago, I must confess that I still love to sit in my counting-house, counting all my money. My riches alone take up an entire wing of my vast mansion, which is filled to the ceiling with gold bullion, silver chalices, emerald diadems, platinum candelabras, Egyptian tomb idols, enormous jars of frankincense, several Excaliburs, and a magic lamp.

Enormous Bra Found

HERKIMER, NY—An enormous bra was found in the gutter near the corner of East Lester Street and Jefferson Avenue Monday. The owner of the bra is not known at this time.

Accountz Reeceevin' Ain't For No Candy-Ass Temps

Whassup, G's. Yo, check this shit out: Ever since I be testifyin' about how I be tha Stone-Cold Hardcore Mack Daddy of Midstate Office Supply, all y'all wanna be part of my Accountz Reeceevable posse. Thas cool, but if you wanna run with tha H-Dog, you gots to have skeelz, know what I'm sayin'? You gots to EXECUTE.

I Certainly Wouldn't Consider This Biotron Micronaut To Be In Near-Mint Condition

As a longtime collector of all things Micronaut, I have seen a great many things. From the ultra-rare C-10 chromium Antron figure to the complete 579-piece Micropolis Megacity, new in the box, few items have escaped my experienced Microgaze. I own at least one of every figure made, from Acroyear to Warp Racer, and my apartment has gained renown as the Galactic Command Center (Series II) of the Collector's Microverse. I have spent more than half of my 42 Earth years in the interchangeable world of the Micronauts, and you can trust me when I tell you this: That Biotron you're trying to sell me is hardly in near-mint condition.
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Greenspan, Entourage Demolish Hotel Room

LOS ANGELES—Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan once again found himself in legal trouble Monday, when he and several members of his extensive entourage were arrested for allegedly destroying a penthouse suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Above: Fed chief Alan Greenspan is led to a holding cell following his arrest for trashing a hotel room. It is his third such arrest in as many years.

Hotel officials say Greenspan, in town to address an annual convention of Federal Reserve District Bank presidents, caused an estimated $8,500 in damages to the room, the surrounding hallway and the swimming-pool area.

Said Beverly Hills Hotel manager Giles Laurent: "The television screen and cabinet had apparently been kicked in. Two chairs were thrown out the window. The mattress was ripped and its stuffing was flung all over the room, as well as into the hallway." Laurent added that minutes before police arrived, Greenspan, with the help of Deputy Treasury Secretary Larry Summers, pushed a vending machine off the balcony overlooking the hotel's swimming pool.

During his two-day stay at the posh hotel, Greenspan also accumulated a $781.55 room-service bill, which he has refused to pay until March 1, when he says interest rates on Deutsche Bundesbank bonds will rise to a more favorable 4.64 percent.

Witnesses to Greenspan's behavior during the days leading up to Monday's arrest said the 72-year-old head of the Federal Open Market Committee was in an unusually volatile mood.

"Upon arriving Friday, Mr. Greenspan demanded that four large bowls of M&Ms be delivered to his room, with all the orange ones removed," Beverly Hills Hotel concierge Alexander Poole said. "Then, when he got to his room and saw the bowls, he flew into a rage, knocking over lamps and screaming that he wanted the green M&Ms taken out, not the orange ones."

The famous Beverly Hills Hotel, site of the Fed chief's latest brush with the law.

Greenspan got into more trouble Saturday night, when he, Fed Vice-Chair Alice Rivlin and several other members of his inner circle visited the trendy L.A. night spot The Viper Room. Clubgoers reported seeing Greenspan, still high off the dollar's late rally against the yen Friday afternoon, shout obscenities and throw ashtrays at the club's DJ. When security personnel attempted to restrain him, Greenspan became belligerent, yelling, "I'm Alan Fucking Greenspan," and vowing to put bouncer Frank Rizzo in a "hurt bracket." The incident is already being compared to his infamous July 1997 fistfight with John Kenneth Galbraith at New York's China Club.

According to Federal Reserve Board insiders, Greenspan, buoyed by the U.S. economy's robust 5 percent growth rate in 1998, as well as flattering cover stories in Barron's, Forbes and Time, has grown increasingly megalomaniacal in recent months.

"He'll spend hours talking about how he's the greatest economist who ever lived, how he's 'bigger than Keynes,'" said one member of the Fed Board of Governors who wished to remain anonymous. "Every time he prevents economic disaster in Brazil or Indonesia by manipulating interest rates, his bloated ego just swells even more. It's just the sort of irrational exuberance he himself once warned against."

Monday's arrest is only the latest in a long string of legal troubles for the controversial Greenspan, who has had 22 court dates since becoming Fed chief in 1987. Economists recall his drunken 1994 appearance on CNN's Moneyline, during which he unleashed a profanity-laden tirade against Bureau of Engraving & Printing director Larry Rolufs and punched host Lou Dobbs when he challenged Greenspan's reluctance to lower interest rates. In November 1993, he was arrested after running shirtless through D.C. traffic while waving a gun. And some world-market watchers believe the international gold standard has still not recovered from a May 1998 incident in which he allegedly exposed his genitals on the floor of the Tokyo Stock Exchange.

The Tokyo case is still pending.

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