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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly voice, it was reported Monday. "Oooh, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, Mr. Greenspan should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate," Greenspan said Monday, responding to a recent Barron's editorial arguing that, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, the 73-year-old Fed chief should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate.

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