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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Greenspan To Play 15 Unannounced Small-Club Shows

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed chief Alan Greenspan announced Monday that he will make a series of 15 surprise appearances at small clubs this July and August. "Oh, man," said Wall Street Journal Washington Bureau correspondent Gary Perlich. "I've never seen The 'Span live. My buddy Jeff saw him back in '92 at the World Bank Conference On Recent Trends In Reserve Management in Geneva, and he said he blew the crowd away." The club dates are rumored to be a tune-up for a larger world tour in support of his hit report, The Pitfalls Of Increasingly Adversarial Trade Laws And Negotiating Practices In An Expanding World Economy (All 4 Love)

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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