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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Greg Oden Suppresses Severe Shooting Pain All Over Body During Meeting With Heat

INDIANAPOLIS—Having already received interest from several other NBA teams, reports confirmed Thursday that former Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden suppressed acute shooting pains throughout his entire body while holding talks over a prospective move to the Miami Heat.

According to sources, Oden attended a two-hour meeting with head coach Erik Spoelstra and other members of the Heat coaching staff, during which he attempted to conceal constant surges of excruciating physical distress.

“I can’t wait to get back on the court,” said Oden, forcing a wide smile as wave after wave of tortuous pain reportedly flooded through nerves in his arms, legs, neck, chest, and back. “I feel refreshed, healthy, and raring to go. I had a few tough years there, but I’m ready to prove I can be a dominant NBA center.”

“Honestly, I’ve never felt better,” Oden added before abruptly drawing a sharp intake of breath and clearing his throat.

Reports confirmed the two-time defending NBA champions are keen to utilize Oden, who did his utmost to hide the searing pain running from the tips of his fingers to the bottoms of his feet, as a traditional center alongside LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh.

Grinding his teeth and enduring what sources called “a piercing stabbing” in his ribs, the former Ohio State star insisted that he is ready to prove his durability and put his injury-blighted time in Portland behind him.

“I know I have a history of knee issues and microfracture surgeries, but my doctors will clear me for full-contact by early August, and I’ll definitely be ready by opening day,” Oden said while reportedly experiencing sweeping, severe burning sensations across every inch of his skin. “But I’m not just aiming to play—I want to win titles. I want to be the best in the league.”

“I’m just looking for a fresh start,” continued Oden, his left eye twitching as intense cramps seized every muscle in his body. “That’s all.”

Despite possessing a $3.2 million taxpayer mid-level exception for next season, the Heat were said to propose a one-year, $1 million contract to Oden, who responded by forcefully clenching his fists amid what appeared to be some sort of full-body spasm. Sources added that on two separate occasions during the negotiations, Oden stopped speaking mid-sentence, shut his eyes, and inhaled deeply before continuing.

“Honestly, I’ve never felt more motivated to play basketball,” Oden said as a fresh burst of agonizing pain reportedly rushed through both of his knees. “I’m really determined to make the best of this opportunity to get my career back on track.”

According to reports, Oden later began repeatedly shifting in his chair, hurriedly muttering “Yep, yep, yep” and “Uh-huh, uh-huh, got it” as Spoelstra explained in detail how the former number one overall draft pick would figure into Miami’s motion offense.

However, while assistant coach David Fizdale subsequently laid out various four-out/one-in schemes in which Oden could play alongside the team’s perimeter shooters, the 7-footer is said to have sat perfectly still, reportedly terrified that with even the slightest movement, the intense throbbing would cause him to black out.

At one point, sources said Oden looked upward as beads of sweat poured down his face and softly whispered, “You can do this.”

“I can’t wait to show you how much my low-post game has improved,” said Oden, adding that he needed “a few minutes alone to get ready” before his scheduled workout for the Heat and various other NBA teams. “I’ve been working really hard, and I’m 100 percent ready to—Jesus fucking Christ—excuse me, I mean to say I’m 100 percent ready to play at the highest level.”

Sources confirmed that immediately after the Heat staff exited the room, Oden sank into his chair, put his face into his hands, and began violently sobbing.

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