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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight. "I realize many people can't understand why I would leave that big-time media market to come down here, but I want to step back and live a normal life again," said Schiano, under whose leadership Rutgers went 28-48 in the Big East and was even ranked in the top 25 one year. "Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the pressures of coaching in the 2008 PapaJohns.com Bowl, but it will be nice to work in a place where I won't have those high expectations on me all the time." Schiano led Rutgers to six bowls in 11 seasons, whereas the Buccaneers have made it to only one bowl game in their entire history.

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