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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles

SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this year’s title would mean almost exactly as much to him as the previous four he’s won. “Every time you win an NBA championship, you win one title, and this would be just like that,” said Popovich, confirming that winning a championship is good and “that is what you want to do.” “I’ve won four, but a fifth would be nice. Every title is important, but not more important than the other ones.” At press time, Popovich confessed that preventing LeBron James from winning a second consecutive NBA championship would mean more than all the Spurs’ titles combined.

UPDATE: Popovich and center Tim Duncan are reportedly engaged in a lengthy discussion on the effects of external conditions on life experiences and whether intensity of human emotion is something capable of quantifiable or simply anecdotal examination.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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