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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles

SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this year’s title would mean almost exactly as much to him as the previous four he’s won. “Every time you win an NBA championship, you win one title, and this would be just like that,” said Popovich, confirming that winning a championship is good and “that is what you want to do.” “I’ve won four, but a fifth would be nice. Every title is important, but not more important than the other ones.” At press time, Popovich confessed that preventing LeBron James from winning a second consecutive NBA championship would mean more than all the Spurs’ titles combined.

UPDATE: Popovich and center Tim Duncan are reportedly engaged in a lengthy discussion on the effects of external conditions on life experiences and whether intensity of human emotion is something capable of quantifiable or simply anecdotal examination.

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