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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Gretzky: 'I Never Bet On Baseball'

TURIN, ITALY—Despite being at the forefront of an illegal hockey-gambling-ring controversy, former hockey great and head coach of Canada's Olympic hockey team Wayne Gretzky once again reaffirmed his claim that he has never placed a bet on a professional baseball game. "I can say with great certainty that I never bet on the Cincinnati Reds, and that I never bet on baseball, nor do I intend to, nor would I even know where to begin if I were to do so," said Gretzky, who will now likely never gain admission to the National Baseball Hall of Fame. "I would never risk everything to compromise the integrity of a popular, strictly regulated American sport such as baseball. Players and fans know this. Commissioner Selig knows this. Virtually everyone knows this." Gretzky, who has an implicit lifetime ban on playing or coaching in the major leagues, recently came out in support of Pete Rose, saying he doesn't think Rose ever bet on hockey.

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