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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Grey Parrot Disappointed To Discover Rest Of Aviary A Bunch Of Idiots

PITTSBURGH—Saying he didn’t know how long he could put up with his enclosure companions, an African grey parrot was reportedly disappointed Monday to discover that the other birds in his new aviary are a bunch of idiots. “They seemed cool when I got here last week, but the more I talk to them, the more I realize they’re all morons,” said the 33-year-old bird, adding that he found it impossible to relate to the cockatoos and parakeets who “sit there squawking at their own stupid reflections in the mirror all goddamn day.” “Every bird here is dumber than the last. I was using a twig to retrieve food from a hole, and the entire time this dipshit toucan was just staring at me with seeds all over his dumb beak. And half of them just march up and down the same fucking branch literally nonstop, but they’re so fucking idiotic they never get bored of it.” At press time, the exasperated African grey realized he either had to escape or wait for the other stupid birds to break their necks flying into the walls of the cage.

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