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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine

DALLAS—Greyhound Lines announced Monday that the premiere issue of Turnpike, the transportation giant's new in-bus entertainment magazine, is now available free of charge on each of its 13,000 daily departures. "Greyhound passengers need only reach under the seats in front of them to learn about the myriad attractions offered by our nation's highway rest stops and bridge underpasses," Greyhound spokesperson Jane Lindley said of the new publication, which features a cover profile on Faith Ford of Murphy Brown fame." Turnpike will also provide useful and engaging information for frequent riders, including reviews of Roy Rogers restaurants nationwide and a monthly humor column penned by our own CEO David Leach, titled 'Running On Fumes.'" Lindley also announced the upcoming October launch of Groundmall, an in-bus consumer catalog that will allow passengers to prepurchase selected sundries, mirrored sunglasses, and barbecue-flavored sunflower seeds and pick up their items when the bus stops at an en-route Stop N' Go.

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