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Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine

DALLAS—Greyhound Lines announced Monday that the premiere issue of Turnpike, the transportation giant's new in-bus entertainment magazine, is now available free of charge on each of its 13,000 daily departures. "Greyhound passengers need only reach under the seats in front of them to learn about the myriad attractions offered by our nation's highway rest stops and bridge underpasses," Greyhound spokesperson Jane Lindley said of the new publication, which features a cover profile on Faith Ford of Murphy Brown fame." Turnpike will also provide useful and engaging information for frequent riders, including reviews of Roy Rogers restaurants nationwide and a monthly humor column penned by our own CEO David Leach, titled 'Running On Fumes.'" Lindley also announced the upcoming October launch of Groundmall, an in-bus consumer catalog that will allow passengers to prepurchase selected sundries, mirrored sunglasses, and barbecue-flavored sunflower seeds and pick up their items when the bus stops at an en-route Stop N' Go.

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