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Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine

DALLAS—Greyhound Lines announced Monday that the premiere issue of Turnpike, the transportation giant's new in-bus entertainment magazine, is now available free of charge on each of its 13,000 daily departures. "Greyhound passengers need only reach under the seats in front of them to learn about the myriad attractions offered by our nation's highway rest stops and bridge underpasses," Greyhound spokesperson Jane Lindley said of the new publication, which features a cover profile on Faith Ford of Murphy Brown fame." Turnpike will also provide useful and engaging information for frequent riders, including reviews of Roy Rogers restaurants nationwide and a monthly humor column penned by our own CEO David Leach, titled 'Running On Fumes.'" Lindley also announced the upcoming October launch of Groundmall, an in-bus consumer catalog that will allow passengers to prepurchase selected sundries, mirrored sunglasses, and barbecue-flavored sunflower seeds and pick up their items when the bus stops at an en-route Stop N' Go.

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