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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Greyhound Now Charging Customers $15 Fee To Vomit In Aisle

DALLAS—Greyhound passengers accustomed to complimentary vomiting in the aisles will now be charged a $15 fee to do so, com≠pany representatives announced Monday. "In order to better serve our customers in the future, we have instituted a small surcharge for those needing to empty their stomach down the center walkway," said spokesman Don Randall, adding that once riders wipe themselves off, they can pay with any major debit or credit card. "We recommend passengers wishing to avoid paying the fee puke on one of the chairs in the terminal beforehand." Despite the new changes, Randall assured customers that masturbating under a bulky winter coat would always be free.

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