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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Grimacing Congressman Quickly Drafts Legislation For Charley-Horse Research

WASHINGTON, DC–Grimacing in considerable pain Monday, Rep. William Delahunt (D-MA) quickly drafted and introduced the 2001 Charley Horse Research Appropriations Act, which would allocate $100 million for "immediate research" to find a charley-horse cure. "Charley horses are a serious–oh, Jesus–medical condition that afflicts millions of Americans every day," Delahunt told House colleagues. "And so let us–Christ, this kills–pass this bill as soon as possible." When informed that the earliest the bill could be passed and signed into law is next Monday, Delahunt moaned and pounded the podium.

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