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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Grizzly Bear Sprained Paw While Mauling Hunter, Reports Ranger

MCKINLEY PARK, AK—Denali National Park ranger Steve Griggs confirmed that a grizzly bear suffered a mild sprain when it mauled a hunter Wednesday, the 400-pound animal awkwardly twisting its paw while crushing the man's skull. "Looks like he slipped on some flesh he was tearing off and just came down on it wrong," said Griggs, adding that the bear also appeared to have strained its neck as it tossed the man's torso back and forth in its mouth. "It's a slight sprain. Doesn't look broken. The paw is a little tender, but he'll be all right as long as he doesn't put too much weight on it, rests up, and keeps it under a cool stream to reduce swelling." Griggs confirmed that the bear should have no problem catching salmon but may limp for a week or so.

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