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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Grizzly Bear Sprained Paw While Mauling Hunter, Reports Ranger

MCKINLEY PARK, AK—Denali National Park ranger Steve Griggs confirmed that a grizzly bear suffered a mild sprain when it mauled a hunter Wednesday, the 400-pound animal awkwardly twisting its paw while crushing the man's skull. "Looks like he slipped on some flesh he was tearing off and just came down on it wrong," said Griggs, adding that the bear also appeared to have strained its neck as it tossed the man's torso back and forth in its mouth. "It's a slight sprain. Doesn't look broken. The paw is a little tender, but he'll be all right as long as he doesn't put too much weight on it, rests up, and keeps it under a cool stream to reduce swelling." Griggs confirmed that the bear should have no problem catching salmon but may limp for a week or so.

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