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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore

FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first started working here, I thought, 'This is awesome—I'll be able to bring bags of food home from work every night,'" said Melcher, who receives a 25 percent discount at the store. "But now, being around it all day long, at the end of the day I can't even stand to look at frozen food, baked goods, meat, dairy items, or produce. Makes me sick just thinking about it." Melcher has vowed that, when he gets a new job, he "will never set foot in a grocery store ever again."

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