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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. "There are clear health benefits to drinking room-temperature clam juice that still has bits of the shell floating around in it," said disgusting physician Dr. Stephen Lewis, adding that in order to ensure the body absorbs the nutrients, one must allow the tepid, briny bivalve-mollusk extract to sit in the back of one's throat for several seconds before swallowing. "After you drink your fourth cup of clam juice, eat whatever is in between your toes, or stir your toe jam into your fifth cup of clam juice so you can have both at the same time. It's great for you." The gag- inducing doctors added that individuals with shellfish allergies may, as a substitute, chug a gallon of tofu runoff.

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