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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. "There are clear health benefits to drinking room-temperature clam juice that still has bits of the shell floating around in it," said disgusting physician Dr. Stephen Lewis, adding that in order to ensure the body absorbs the nutrients, one must allow the tepid, briny bivalve-mollusk extract to sit in the back of one's throat for several seconds before swallowing. "After you drink your fourth cup of clam juice, eat whatever is in between your toes, or stir your toe jam into your fifth cup of clam juice so you can have both at the same time. It's great for you." The gag- inducing doctors added that individuals with shellfish allergies may, as a substitute, chug a gallon of tofu runoff.

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