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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Group Of Fifth-Grade Boys Discover Pile Of Naked Ladies Discarded In Woods

FREEPORT, ME—Excitedly pushing past each other as they gathered around the slightly soggy pile, a group of overjoyed local fifth-graders came across several perfectly good naked ladies lying right in the woods behind the baseball field, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa! Look at all of them—you can see everything!” said wide-eyed 11-year-old Joshua Goldstein as he knelt down to closely inspect each one of the fully nude young women lying in a haphazard heap on the ground, before turning his attention to a large-breasted one left draped over a log. “Sure, they’re a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they’re from the ’70s, but after we dry them off they’ll be perfect. They’re still in pretty good shape! Who would just leave them lying out here like this?” After concluding that their mothers might discover the nude women if they brought them home, the boys reportedly decided to tuck the naked ladies under some bushes and come back to look at them later.

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