adBlockCheck

Local

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events

The passionate, inane dialogue featured loud talking, intense gesticulations, and no substance.
The passionate, inane dialogue featured loud talking, intense gesticulations, and no substance.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Sharing their thoughts and opinions on a wide variety of topics and hot-button issues, five friends eating dinner at Tapper’s Bar and Grill Wednesday had a lengthy, animated, and utterly incoherent discussion about current events, sources confirmed.

In spite of numerous loud proclamations made by the individuals and several lively back-and-forth dialogues, witnesses confirmed that at no point during the impassioned 45-minute conversation did any member of the group make a single fully informed or well-reasoned statement about politics, economics, foreign affairs, or social matters.

“When Obama got elected, I expected him to overhaul Washington, but he’s just like any other politician,” said 29-year-old David Rubin, making what sources noted was a potentially justifiable claim before immediately undermining it with a muddled, incredibly bewildering line of reasoning. “Think about it—what are the campaign promises that he’s actually kept? Where’s health care? Where’s more taxes on the rich? Where’s gas prices?”

“And what about the troops?” Rubin continued. “They’re getting killed in Iraq every day and he’s not doing a thing about it. I thought he was going to get us out of there.”

The passionate discourse, said to have been initiated by a muted feed of CNN playing on one of the restaurant’s televisions, reportedly contained scores of factual inaccuracies, gross oversimplifications, self-contradictory declarations, and assertions that would fail to hold up against even the slightest of scrutiny.

Sources confirmed that the terms “fracking,” “sequester,” “Tea Party,” “entitlements,” and “the Fed” were all used out of context at various times throughout the heated debate, and that the phrase “Washington is broken” was also uttered over two dozen times.

Furthermore, reports indicated that each of the five friends genuinely believed they were having a serious intellectual conversation about prominent issues of the day.

“The biggest problem is that Senator Reid and Senator Boehner just can’t work together, plain and simple,” 30-year-old Mark Wagner said as the rest of the table began enthusiastically nodding and saying, “Yup,” “Thank you,” and “Exactly, Mark. Exactly.” “Obama will try to pass a bill, but then there’s [John] McCain, [Rick] Perry, [Newt] Gingrich, and, you know, the rest of the Republicans who aren’t letting anything get through. Though, if the Democrats had control of either of the houses they’d be just as bad, if not worse. That’s just party politics.”

“Just look at gun control—Bush vetoed the ban on assault rifles, and now shootings are happening all the time,” added a completely incorrect Wagner. “After Newtown, Congress tried to legalize background checks, but they couldn’t get the legislation through the courts. Same as Obamacare and same-sex marriage. It’s all about money.”

Witnesses said the friends then spent nearly five minutes fervently discussing the 2012 attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, putting forth several incredibly illogical theories regarding “the NSA’s role in the cover-up.” Later, sources confirmed the group unanimously agreed that Obama is “breaking the laws in the Constitution” with the military’s use of combat drones, while also ambiguously summarizing that “it all goes back to Reagan.”

“Until we stop occupying the Muslim holy lands, Egypt and Syria are just going to continue being a hotbed for al-Qaeda and the Taliban,” said 29-year-old Casey Reynolds, jutting her index finger into the table while reportedly blending several sound bites from television pundits into a vague, disjointed stream of nonsense. “The Muslim Brotherhood controls the oil, so they have all the power. The longer this goes on, the more tension is going to build between the Israelis and Palestinians.”

“And I just read a really interesting article about how we still have our forces deployed in the Gulf right on their borders,” Reynolds continued. “I’ll send it to you guys. You should really read it.”

While their interactions were largely cordial, sources reported that the friends clashed at points, with one completely preposterous argument countered by another of equally unfathomable ignorance.

“Casey, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but I think China is definitely going to be the next global superpower no matter what we do,” said Jake Collins, 27, in what was reportedly the closest the group came to what could be considered a legitimate, substantiated comment. “What happened was, everything got deregulated, and that just killed all the jobs. So the jobs went to China, half of America is out of work, and the housing bubble went under. See what I’m saying?”

“Just look at Detroit,” Collins inexplicably added after a brief pause.

Upon finishing their meals and getting up to leave, the friends reportedly agreed that the absolutely incomprehensible discourse was fun and that “it’s a real shame more people don’t get together to discuss the issues.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close