Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events

The passionate, inane dialogue featured loud talking, intense gesticulations, and no substance.
The passionate, inane dialogue featured loud talking, intense gesticulations, and no substance.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Sharing their thoughts and opinions on a wide variety of topics and hot-button issues, five friends eating dinner at Tapper’s Bar and Grill Wednesday had a lengthy, animated, and utterly incoherent discussion about current events, sources confirmed.

In spite of numerous loud proclamations made by the individuals and several lively back-and-forth dialogues, witnesses confirmed that at no point during the impassioned 45-minute conversation did any member of the group make a single fully informed or well-reasoned statement about politics, economics, foreign affairs, or social matters.

“When Obama got elected, I expected him to overhaul Washington, but he’s just like any other politician,” said 29-year-old David Rubin, making what sources noted was a potentially justifiable claim before immediately undermining it with a muddled, incredibly bewildering line of reasoning. “Think about it—what are the campaign promises that he’s actually kept? Where’s health care? Where’s more taxes on the rich? Where’s gas prices?”

“And what about the troops?” Rubin continued. “They’re getting killed in Iraq every day and he’s not doing a thing about it. I thought he was going to get us out of there.”

The passionate discourse, said to have been initiated by a muted feed of CNN playing on one of the restaurant’s televisions, reportedly contained scores of factual inaccuracies, gross oversimplifications, self-contradictory declarations, and assertions that would fail to hold up against even the slightest of scrutiny.

Sources confirmed that the terms “fracking,” “sequester,” “Tea Party,” “entitlements,” and “the Fed” were all used out of context at various times throughout the heated debate, and that the phrase “Washington is broken” was also uttered over two dozen times.

Furthermore, reports indicated that each of the five friends genuinely believed they were having a serious intellectual conversation about prominent issues of the day.

“The biggest problem is that Senator Reid and Senator Boehner just can’t work together, plain and simple,” 30-year-old Mark Wagner said as the rest of the table began enthusiastically nodding and saying, “Yup,” “Thank you,” and “Exactly, Mark. Exactly.” “Obama will try to pass a bill, but then there’s [John] McCain, [Rick] Perry, [Newt] Gingrich, and, you know, the rest of the Republicans who aren’t letting anything get through. Though, if the Democrats had control of either of the houses they’d be just as bad, if not worse. That’s just party politics.”

“Just look at gun control—Bush vetoed the ban on assault rifles, and now shootings are happening all the time,” added a completely incorrect Wagner. “After Newtown, Congress tried to legalize background checks, but they couldn’t get the legislation through the courts. Same as Obamacare and same-sex marriage. It’s all about money.”

Witnesses said the friends then spent nearly five minutes fervently discussing the 2012 attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, putting forth several incredibly illogical theories regarding “the NSA’s role in the cover-up.” Later, sources confirmed the group unanimously agreed that Obama is “breaking the laws in the Constitution” with the military’s use of combat drones, while also ambiguously summarizing that “it all goes back to Reagan.”

“Until we stop occupying the Muslim holy lands, Egypt and Syria are just going to continue being a hotbed for al-Qaeda and the Taliban,” said 29-year-old Casey Reynolds, jutting her index finger into the table while reportedly blending several sound bites from television pundits into a vague, disjointed stream of nonsense. “The Muslim Brotherhood controls the oil, so they have all the power. The longer this goes on, the more tension is going to build between the Israelis and Palestinians.”

“And I just read a really interesting article about how we still have our forces deployed in the Gulf right on their borders,” Reynolds continued. “I’ll send it to you guys. You should really read it.”

While their interactions were largely cordial, sources reported that the friends clashed at points, with one completely preposterous argument countered by another of equally unfathomable ignorance.

“Casey, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but I think China is definitely going to be the next global superpower no matter what we do,” said Jake Collins, 27, in what was reportedly the closest the group came to what could be considered a legitimate, substantiated comment. “What happened was, everything got deregulated, and that just killed all the jobs. So the jobs went to China, half of America is out of work, and the housing bubble went under. See what I’m saying?”

“Just look at Detroit,” Collins inexplicably added after a brief pause.

Upon finishing their meals and getting up to leave, the friends reportedly agreed that the absolutely incomprehensible discourse was fun and that “it’s a real shame more people don’t get together to discuss the issues.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close