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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Group Of Girls Directs Would-Be Suitor Toward Least Attractive Member

MISSION HILLS, KS–A group of 16-year-old girls skillfully redirected the amorous advances of fellow teen Michael Weigand toward Aimee Collinsworth, the least attractive member of the group, during an encounter at the Southdale Mall food court Monday. "Mike wasn't cute at all," said Wendy Broward following the incident. "But I thought maybe Aimee would like him. Thank God she was there to keep that dork away from the rest of us."

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