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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Group Of Girls Directs Would-Be Suitor Toward Least Attractive Member

MISSION HILLS, KS–A group of 16-year-old girls skillfully redirected the amorous advances of fellow teen Michael Weigand toward Aimee Collinsworth, the least attractive member of the group, during an encounter at the Southdale Mall food court Monday. "Mike wasn't cute at all," said Wendy Broward following the incident. "But I thought maybe Aimee would like him. Thank God she was there to keep that dork away from the rest of us."

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