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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Group Of Girls Directs Would-Be Suitor Toward Least Attractive Member

MISSION HILLS, KS–A group of 16-year-old girls skillfully redirected the amorous advances of fellow teen Michael Weigand toward Aimee Collinsworth, the least attractive member of the group, during an encounter at the Southdale Mall food court Monday. "Mike wasn't cute at all," said Wendy Broward following the incident. "But I thought maybe Aimee would like him. Thank God she was there to keep that dork away from the rest of us."

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