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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place

DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly understated fragrances, passed by you on their way uptown Saturday midway through your 45-minute wait for a bus. "Man, their cheekbones are like granite cliffs," you thought to yourself of the walking advertisements for health, breeding, and bespoke tailoring. "I wonder where they're all going? I bet it's fun. I probably couldn't get in even if I could afford it, though." One of the women, a statuesque blonde with exotic jade-green eyes wearing an impossibly elegant black cocktail dress, gave you a friendly smile and brief nod, the warmth and earnestness of which just made the whole thing that much worse.

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