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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place

DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly understated fragrances, passed by you on their way uptown Saturday midway through your 45-minute wait for a bus. "Man, their cheekbones are like granite cliffs," you thought to yourself of the walking advertisements for health, breeding, and bespoke tailoring. "I wonder where they're all going? I bet it's fun. I probably couldn't get in even if I could afford it, though." One of the women, a statuesque blonde with exotic jade-green eyes wearing an impossibly elegant black cocktail dress, gave you a friendly smile and brief nod, the warmth and earnestness of which just made the whole thing that much worse.

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