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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Group Of Kids With Diabetes All Die One Day After Visit From Jay Cutler

CHICAGO—Less than 24 hours after a visit from Bears quarterback and Type 1 diabetes sufferer Jay Cutler, a group of 32 schoolchildren who shared his disease died Tuesday. "Their spirits were really high just before Mr. Cutler arrived, but literally the second he entered the room the kids just sort of closed off, and once he started talking about how poorly he was treated in Denver, they became sullen and quiet," said Erin Matthews, who until Tuesday ran a diabetes support group for children ages 8 to 14 at the downtown YMCA. "After I recovered from my shock, I was surprised that all the children died, seeing as diabetes isn't terminal and can be controlled with medication. However, considering how sickened they were by Mr. Cutler, well, it sort of makes sense. That the kids were able to live through the entire talk is a testament to their bravery." Since his professional football career began in 2006, Cutler has killed more than 3,000 disabled or sick children by taking time to speak to them.

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