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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Group Of Kids With Diabetes All Die One Day After Visit From Jay Cutler

CHICAGO—Less than 24 hours after a visit from Bears quarterback and Type 1 diabetes sufferer Jay Cutler, a group of 32 schoolchildren who shared his disease died Tuesday. "Their spirits were really high just before Mr. Cutler arrived, but literally the second he entered the room the kids just sort of closed off, and once he started talking about how poorly he was treated in Denver, they became sullen and quiet," said Erin Matthews, who until Tuesday ran a diabetes support group for children ages 8 to 14 at the downtown YMCA. "After I recovered from my shock, I was surprised that all the children died, seeing as diabetes isn't terminal and can be controlled with medication. However, considering how sickened they were by Mr. Cutler, well, it sort of makes sense. That the kids were able to live through the entire talk is a testament to their bravery." Since his professional football career began in 2006, Cutler has killed more than 3,000 disabled or sick children by taking time to speak to them.

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