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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Group That Makes Dodge Truck Commercials Called 'Creative Team'

LOS ANGELES—The group of professional adults responsible for making television commercials in which Dodge trucks drive through various wilderness environments or haul noticeably heavy objects is referred to by the auto manufacturer as "the creative team," sources confirmed Tuesday. "As creative director, my job is to convey to the consumer in a meaningful way the ongoing vitality of the Dodge Ram brand," said senior vice president Frank Hammond, whose sole contribution to his company's most recent campaign was to suggest the ads "show the tires more." Hammond's team of 15 people, all of whom have the word "creative" in their titles, most re≠cently produced a $4.5 million 30-second spot that features the 2011 Dodge Ram 1500 stopping abruptly at the edge of a cliff.

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