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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Group That Makes Dodge Truck Commercials Called 'Creative Team'

LOS ANGELES—The group of professional adults responsible for making television commercials in which Dodge trucks drive through various wilderness environments or haul noticeably heavy objects is referred to by the auto manufacturer as "the creative team," sources confirmed Tuesday. "As creative director, my job is to convey to the consumer in a meaningful way the ongoing vitality of the Dodge Ram brand," said senior vice president Frank Hammond, whose sole contribution to his company's most recent campaign was to suggest the ads "show the tires more." Hammond's team of 15 people, all of whom have the word "creative" in their titles, most re≠cently produced a $4.5 million 30-second spot that features the 2011 Dodge Ram 1500 stopping abruptly at the edge of a cliff.

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