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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed. Onlookers said that Webster did not enter the location—which the 38-year-old man earnestly refers to as a “dojo”—accompanied by a child, but was in fact there on his own in order to become better at karate. Upon entering the studio, witnesses reported that Webster removed his shoes and changed into his specialized karate gi, which he purchased with money he earns at his job, and then spent an hour performing a variety of elaborate poses and simulated fight moves. The grown man, who has a car and a mortgage, has been engaging in this activity three times a week for three years, and reportedly gets excited at the prospect of becoming a purple belt. At press time, sources confirmed that Webster was bringing his palms together and bowing to another adult, a 52-year-old man who spends his entire day in a karate studio and who insists that he be addressed as “sensei.”

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