Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

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MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed. Onlookers said that Webster did not enter the location—which the 38-year-old man earnestly refers to as a “dojo”—accompanied by a child, but was in fact there on his own in order to become better at karate. Upon entering the studio, witnesses reported that Webster removed his shoes and changed into his specialized karate gi, which he purchased with money he earns at his job, and then spent an hour performing a variety of elaborate poses and simulated fight moves. The grown man, who has a car and a mortgage, has been engaging in this activity three times a week for three years, and reportedly gets excited at the prospect of becoming a purple belt. At press time, sources confirmed that Webster was bringing his palms together and bowing to another adult, a 52-year-old man who spends his entire day in a karate studio and who insists that he be addressed as “sensei.”

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