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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed. Onlookers said that Webster did not enter the location—which the 38-year-old man earnestly refers to as a “dojo”—accompanied by a child, but was in fact there on his own in order to become better at karate. Upon entering the studio, witnesses reported that Webster removed his shoes and changed into his specialized karate gi, which he purchased with money he earns at his job, and then spent an hour performing a variety of elaborate poses and simulated fight moves. The grown man, who has a car and a mortgage, has been engaging in this activity three times a week for three years, and reportedly gets excited at the prospect of becoming a purple belt. At press time, sources confirmed that Webster was bringing his palms together and bowing to another adult, a 52-year-old man who spends his entire day in a karate studio and who insists that he be addressed as “sensei.”

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