adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio

CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed. Onlookers said that Webster did not enter the location—which the 38-year-old man earnestly refers to as a “dojo”—accompanied by a child, but was in fact there on his own in order to become better at karate. Upon entering the studio, witnesses reported that Webster removed his shoes and changed into his specialized karate gi, which he purchased with money he earns at his job, and then spent an hour performing a variety of elaborate poses and simulated fight moves. The grown man, who has a car and a mortgage, has been engaging in this activity three times a week for three years, and reportedly gets excited at the prospect of becoming a purple belt. At press time, sources confirmed that Webster was bringing his palms together and bowing to another adult, a 52-year-old man who spends his entire day in a karate studio and who insists that he be addressed as “sensei.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close