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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Grown Man Refers To Map At Beginning Of Novel To Find Out Where Ruined Castle Of Arnoth Is Located

CHICAGO—Unable to picture where in the Grand Realm the destroyed fortress was in relation to the dreaded desert of Quiltar, a fully grown adult man referred to the map on the opening pages of the fantasy novel The Tower Of Astalon Friday to determine the location of the ruined castle of Arnoth, accounts confirmed. “Oh, so it’s just east of the Shrouded Moors,” sources overheard the 36-year-old man, who reportedly has a college degree and holds down an office job, mutter to himself as he carefully studied the book’s illustrated map, conferring between the detailed legend and inset of the former Perrigoth stronghold that was razed by the Rynn-Thak Horde. “I didn’t realize it was so close to the Outlands and the Calbram Gate. I wonder if that’s considered Tsylar territory?” At press time, the father of two could be seen poring over the book’s comprehensive family tree depicting the lineage of the quarreling Azalak and Sarridian clans, confirming the relationship between the dark conjurer Landon and Lady Erroweigh.

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