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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Grown Man Refers To Map At Beginning Of Novel To Find Out Where Ruined Castle Of Arnoth Is Located

CHICAGO—Unable to picture where in the Grand Realm the destroyed fortress was in relation to the dreaded desert of Quiltar, a fully grown adult man referred to the map on the opening pages of the fantasy novel The Tower Of Astalon Friday to determine the location of the ruined castle of Arnoth, accounts confirmed. “Oh, so it’s just east of the Shrouded Moors,” sources overheard the 36-year-old man, who reportedly has a college degree and holds down an office job, mutter to himself as he carefully studied the book’s illustrated map, conferring between the detailed legend and inset of the former Perrigoth stronghold that was razed by the Rynn-Thak Horde. “I didn’t realize it was so close to the Outlands and the Calbram Gate. I wonder if that’s considered Tsylar territory?” At press time, the father of two could be seen poring over the book’s comprehensive family tree depicting the lineage of the quarreling Azalak and Sarridian clans, confirming the relationship between the dark conjurer Landon and Lady Erroweigh.

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