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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room

ST. LOUIS—A group of fully grown men felt inspired Saturday by a stupid little sign hanging in a locker room and expressed their exhilaration by shouting, clapping their hands, and jumping around, baffled eyewitnesses confirmed.

“It motivates me,” an otherwise reasonable adult said of the sappy phrase featured on the dumb and embarrassing 11-by-14-inch sign, which is prominently displayed high on a wall where anyone can see it. “Makes me want to be the best I can.”

The collection of men, who by all accounts are grown-ups and not small children easily tricked by phrases constructed of nonsense buzzwords, publicly admitted that the insipid, saccharine message resonates with them so much they feel compelled to shout the idiotic slogan together before taking the field of play. In addition, without smirking, sneering, or bursting into laughter, the full-fledged adults said the pathetic sign makes them believe anything is possible.

“After reading it, you realize how you should live your life,” a completely serious grown man said of the placard, which would not look out of place in a kindergarten classroom. “Those words are filled with so much wisdom. They’re quite powerful words that really strike a chord. Makes me want to give it my all.”

The group of adult men also told reporters the sign itself is important.

Gushing like blubbering infants over the cringe-inducing slogan, the biologically mature human males explained that when they gaze up at the vapid and overly sentimental words, they are filled with passion, confidence, and delusions that greatness is within their reach.

The men also confessed that contemplating the meaning of the cheesy-ass saying causes their eyes to well up with tears. Moreover, the group reportedly became very emotional when talking about the trite words in the dopey expression, for some reason needing to pause momentarily and regain their composure as they spoke about their pride in each other, and how the sign is special and beloved by all.

“I still get chills every time I read it,” the grown-up said about the cliché, which can be found plastered on thousands of crappy posters, lame T-shirts, and god-fucking-awful bumper stickers. “It’s really beautiful.”

“Coach preaches those words all the time,” the player said of an older, even more mature man who should know better and who displayed no signs of full-blown dementia when he hung the sign.

According to sources, this group’s members aren’t the only adult men to be inspired by words used so often they have literally lost all meaning. Across the country there are reports of males with fully functioning brains not only looking at similar signs for inspiration, but also making sure to touch them prior to taking the field.

Many of these morons have said a stupid little sign is at the very core of their respective teams’ most valued traditions, adding that many generations of idiots before them felt some kind of sick compulsion to run their fingers along its letters—letters that form the words in the hokey catchphrases that a bunch of overgrown nimrods can’t seem to get enough of for reasons that defy all logic.

“That sign has a ton of history and is very meaningful to many people,” an otherwise ordinary individual said without any sarcastic contempt whatsoever. “I truly believe every word with all my heart. It perfectly encapsulates the ideology of this [and every fucking junior high school team that has ever existed].”

“We also make sure to rub the [belly, nose, or head] of our mascot,” said the supposedly reasonable person, who very well could have been describing what toddlers do with their stuffed animals. “It gets us fired up.”

The group of grown men were also adamant about liking a certain combination of colors and strongly disliking a different combination of colors. When shown very specific logos, the men either became very combative and yelled angrily, or became very aggressive and shouted happily.

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