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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room

ST. LOUIS—A group of fully grown men felt inspired Saturday by a stupid little sign hanging in a locker room and expressed their exhilaration by shouting, clapping their hands, and jumping around, baffled eyewitnesses confirmed.

“It motivates me,” an otherwise reasonable adult said of the sappy phrase featured on the dumb and embarrassing 11-by-14-inch sign, which is prominently displayed high on a wall where anyone can see it. “Makes me want to be the best I can.”

The collection of men, who by all accounts are grown-ups and not small children easily tricked by phrases constructed of nonsense buzzwords, publicly admitted that the insipid, saccharine message resonates with them so much they feel compelled to shout the idiotic slogan together before taking the field of play. In addition, without smirking, sneering, or bursting into laughter, the full-fledged adults said the pathetic sign makes them believe anything is possible.

“After reading it, you realize how you should live your life,” a completely serious grown man said of the placard, which would not look out of place in a kindergarten classroom. “Those words are filled with so much wisdom. They’re quite powerful words that really strike a chord. Makes me want to give it my all.”

The group of adult men also told reporters the sign itself is important.

Gushing like blubbering infants over the cringe-inducing slogan, the biologically mature human males explained that when they gaze up at the vapid and overly sentimental words, they are filled with passion, confidence, and delusions that greatness is within their reach.

The men also confessed that contemplating the meaning of the cheesy-ass saying causes their eyes to well up with tears. Moreover, the group reportedly became very emotional when talking about the trite words in the dopey expression, for some reason needing to pause momentarily and regain their composure as they spoke about their pride in each other, and how the sign is special and beloved by all.

“I still get chills every time I read it,” the grown-up said about the cliché, which can be found plastered on thousands of crappy posters, lame T-shirts, and god-fucking-awful bumper stickers. “It’s really beautiful.”

“Coach preaches those words all the time,” the player said of an older, even more mature man who should know better and who displayed no signs of full-blown dementia when he hung the sign.

According to sources, this group’s members aren’t the only adult men to be inspired by words used so often they have literally lost all meaning. Across the country there are reports of males with fully functioning brains not only looking at similar signs for inspiration, but also making sure to touch them prior to taking the field.

Many of these morons have said a stupid little sign is at the very core of their respective teams’ most valued traditions, adding that many generations of idiots before them felt some kind of sick compulsion to run their fingers along its letters—letters that form the words in the hokey catchphrases that a bunch of overgrown nimrods can’t seem to get enough of for reasons that defy all logic.

“That sign has a ton of history and is very meaningful to many people,” an otherwise ordinary individual said without any sarcastic contempt whatsoever. “I truly believe every word with all my heart. It perfectly encapsulates the ideology of this [and every fucking junior high school team that has ever existed].”

“We also make sure to rub the [belly, nose, or head] of our mascot,” said the supposedly reasonable person, who very well could have been describing what toddlers do with their stuffed animals. “It gets us fired up.”

The group of grown men were also adamant about liking a certain combination of colors and strongly disliking a different combination of colors. When shown very specific logos, the men either became very combative and yelled angrily, or became very aggressive and shouted happily.

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