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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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‘GTA V’ A Sophisticated Gaming Experience, Says Man Who Spent 3 Hours Running Over Homeless People With Fire Truck

DAYTON, OH—Calling the latest installment of the video game franchise “complex” and “highly nuanced,” local man Kevin Mitchell, who just spent the past 3 hours brutally driving over homeless characters with a stolen fire truck, confirmed Tuesday that Grand Theft Auto V provides a deeply sophisticated gaming experience. “The narrative is dynamic and multilayered, the characterizations are brilliantly assured, and the vast open-world experience creates a style of play that is both revolutionary in design and intellectually stimulating,” Mitchell told reporters, moments before making his in-game character block traffic with a bus to create a 10-car pileup in the middle of the street, toss grenades at unsuspecting pedestrians while standing on top of an ambulance, and jump off a building into the spinning blades of a helicopter. “And nowhere is GTA V more groundbreaking than when it is deftly skewering the vices and follies of contemporary culture with its razor-sharp social commentary.” At press time, Mitchell was remarking on the game’s “stunningly inventive storycraft” while repeatedly kicking a Los Santos resident until blood pooled around their lifeless body.

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