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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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‘GTA V’ A Sophisticated Gaming Experience, Says Man Who Spent 3 Hours Running Over Homeless People With Fire Truck

DAYTON, OH—Calling the latest installment of the video game franchise “complex” and “highly nuanced,” local man Kevin Mitchell, who just spent the past 3 hours brutally driving over homeless characters with a stolen fire truck, confirmed Tuesday that Grand Theft Auto V provides a deeply sophisticated gaming experience. “The narrative is dynamic and multilayered, the characterizations are brilliantly assured, and the vast open-world experience creates a style of play that is both revolutionary in design and intellectually stimulating,” Mitchell told reporters, moments before making his in-game character block traffic with a bus to create a 10-car pileup in the middle of the street, toss grenades at unsuspecting pedestrians while standing on top of an ambulance, and jump off a building into the spinning blades of a helicopter. “And nowhere is GTA V more groundbreaking than when it is deftly skewering the vices and follies of contemporary culture with its razor-sharp social commentary.” At press time, Mitchell was remarking on the game’s “stunningly inventive storycraft” while repeatedly kicking a Los Santos resident until blood pooled around their lifeless body.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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