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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Guantánamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd

CHARLOTTE, NC—Drawing thunderous applause and roars of approval from the 20,000 Democrats in attendance, top party officials released all 168 remaining detainees from the Guantánamo Bay detention facility into the Time Warner Cable Arena on Thursday. “Are you ready to rectify one of the gravest moral failings and grossest miscarriages of justice in American history?” Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz shouted from the convention podium before lifting a curtain to reveal dozens of enemy combatants, all of whom immediately sprinted into the crowd of wildly cheering liberals and out the facility’s exits. “Justice is finally served!” At press time, the FBI was responding to a report of a possible dirty-bomb detonation in the immediate Charlotte, NC area.

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