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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway

SIBERIA—Stressing that the edict had come down from the top commanders within the Russian military complex, a video game guard told reporters Tuesday that he was under strict orders to repeatedly pace the same stretch of hallway. “I was given specific instructions to continually walk down this 50-foot corridor, pause for a few moments at the end to inspect the wall, turn around very slowly, and return to the opposite end of the hallway, without ever straying from this routine,” said the guard, who reportedly complied fully with additional orders to leave his back exposed to several key air ducts and unlocked doors that could be accessed from outside the base. “It’s of the utmost importance to this compound’s security and the success of the mission that I closely follow the directive and never stray from my commanding officer’s explicit instructions. After all, if I shirk my duty in any way, an intruder could easily enter the next room, where one of my comrades is walking down an identical hallway in the opposite direction.” At press time, the guard had reportedly continued to follow protocol by shouting, “What was that?” at a disturbance, looking around in concern for several seconds, and then continuing on his way.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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