Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

PEORIA, IL—A massive earthquake with a current death toll of 206 hit Antigua, Guatemala Tuesday, registering 0.3 on the consciousness of local banking assistant Ed Zurlo. "Oh, yeah, there was something about that on The Today Show," said Zurlo, paging through a book of the upholstery samples available for his new Toyota Camry. "They had that tornado or flood or whatever down there in South America." Zurlo, who was also dimly aware of such previous disasters as Hurricane Mitch-related flooding in Honduras and the Lockerbie, Scotland, crash of Pan Am Flight 103, said he will likely select the burnt-cocoa crushed velour.