adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday. According to sources, after thoroughly studying the towel’s front all the way down to the area by the tag, Muirsky explored the reverse side only to find that it too had been moistened by one or more previous bathroom users. Hopeful that no one had thought to venture beyond the towel’s exposed surfaces, Muirsky then reportedly peered within its inner flaps but discovered to her dismay that, even in that typically unexplored area, there was not a usable portion of dry cloth. At press time, Muirsky had given up and used the sleeve of her host’s bathrobe.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close