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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday. According to sources, after thoroughly studying the towel’s front all the way down to the area by the tag, Muirsky explored the reverse side only to find that it too had been moistened by one or more previous bathroom users. Hopeful that no one had thought to venture beyond the towel’s exposed surfaces, Muirsky then reportedly peered within its inner flaps but discovered to her dismay that, even in that typically unexplored area, there was not a usable portion of dry cloth. At press time, Muirsky had given up and used the sleeve of her host’s bathrobe.

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