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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday. According to sources, after thoroughly studying the towel’s front all the way down to the area by the tag, Muirsky explored the reverse side only to find that it too had been moistened by one or more previous bathroom users. Hopeful that no one had thought to venture beyond the towel’s exposed surfaces, Muirsky then reportedly peered within its inner flaps but discovered to her dismay that, even in that typically unexplored area, there was not a usable portion of dry cloth. At press time, Muirsky had given up and used the sleeve of her host’s bathrobe.

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