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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Citing its 80-piece orchestra and real silver place settings, several of the 500 guests at Saturday's wedding of Boston socialite Elizabeth Kessler and investment banker Peter Graham emerged from the affair dazed and disoriented, sources told reporters. "I've never seen anything like this," said Beth Risser, tightly clasping to her chest the commemorative wedding iPod preloaded with the bride and groom's favorite songs while she waited for the valet to deliver her 1996 Mazda. "There were swans everywhere, 12 videographers, and about $800 worth of candles at my table alone. And was that Henry Kissinger next to the raw oyster bar?" While many of the attendees were bewildered by the spectacle they had witnessed, at least 6 percent of the guests left the wedding worried that the Kesslers had fallen on hard times.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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