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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Citing its 80-piece orchestra and real silver place settings, several of the 500 guests at Saturday's wedding of Boston socialite Elizabeth Kessler and investment banker Peter Graham emerged from the affair dazed and disoriented, sources told reporters. "I've never seen anything like this," said Beth Risser, tightly clasping to her chest the commemorative wedding iPod preloaded with the bride and groom's favorite songs while she waited for the valet to deliver her 1996 Mazda. "There were swans everywhere, 12 videographers, and about $800 worth of candles at my table alone. And was that Henry Kissinger next to the raw oyster bar?" While many of the attendees were bewildered by the spectacle they had witnessed, at least 6 percent of the guests left the wedding worried that the Kesslers had fallen on hard times.

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