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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines

CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice Wexler warned the self-mutilating, drug-addicted student about the importance of registering for his SATs. "This is a risky game you're playing, Derek—it may not seem like a big deal now, but forgetting to sign up for the SATs could really hurt you," Wexler told the 10th-grader, who just 20 minutes earlier had hidden in the school bathroom, snorted two lines of cocaine, and cut his forearms with a razor blade in an effort to gain a sense of control. "I can't tell you the number of students I've watched go down this tragic road before. Trust me, nothing good can come out of missing the SATs." After Hodge, in a moment of candor, confessed to Wexler that he needed help, she told him not to worry and handed him a dozen informational pamphlets on "choosing the school that's right for you."

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