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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines

CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice Wexler warned the self-mutilating, drug-addicted student about the importance of registering for his SATs. "This is a risky game you're playing, Derek—it may not seem like a big deal now, but forgetting to sign up for the SATs could really hurt you," Wexler told the 10th-grader, who just 20 minutes earlier had hidden in the school bathroom, snorted two lines of cocaine, and cut his forearms with a razor blade in an effort to gain a sense of control. "I can't tell you the number of students I've watched go down this tragic road before. Trust me, nothing good can come out of missing the SATs." After Hodge, in a moment of candor, confessed to Wexler that he needed help, she told him not to worry and handed him a dozen informational pamphlets on "choosing the school that's right for you."

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