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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines

CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice Wexler warned the self-mutilating, drug-addicted student about the importance of registering for his SATs. "This is a risky game you're playing, Derek—it may not seem like a big deal now, but forgetting to sign up for the SATs could really hurt you," Wexler told the 10th-grader, who just 20 minutes earlier had hidden in the school bathroom, snorted two lines of cocaine, and cut his forearms with a razor blade in an effort to gain a sense of control. "I can't tell you the number of students I've watched go down this tragic road before. Trust me, nothing good can come out of missing the SATs." After Hodge, in a moment of candor, confessed to Wexler that he needed help, she told him not to worry and handed him a dozen informational pamphlets on "choosing the school that's right for you."

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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