adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines

CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice Wexler warned the self-mutilating, drug-addicted student about the importance of registering for his SATs. "This is a risky game you're playing, Derek—it may not seem like a big deal now, but forgetting to sign up for the SATs could really hurt you," Wexler told the 10th-grader, who just 20 minutes earlier had hidden in the school bathroom, snorted two lines of cocaine, and cut his forearms with a razor blade in an effort to gain a sense of control. "I can't tell you the number of students I've watched go down this tragic road before. Trust me, nothing good can come out of missing the SATs." After Hodge, in a moment of candor, confessed to Wexler that he needed help, she told him not to worry and handed him a dozen informational pamphlets on "choosing the school that's right for you."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close