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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book

LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize The Ultimate Book of World Records as the world's largest collection of exceptional human achievements and natural phenomena, its publishers announced Tuesday.

"One of our guys went to the bookstore to verify it, and yes, The Ultimate Book lists 57 more world records than Guinness, though the arrangement of the topics is very confusing," a Guinness spokesman said. "Many of the records are pretty trivial and were clearly put in to outdo us, like 'Largest Cookie Wrapped in Cellophane' and 'Widest Lint Brush.'"

Guinness subsequently announced that it would introduce a "Most Prestigious Record Book" category in its 2008 edition.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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