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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief

LONDON—Citing the man’s remarkable ability to lift 27.56 pounds using only his tongue, executives at Guinness World Records on Tuesday officially named creative vice president Thomas Blackthorne as the reference book’s new editor-in-chief. “There were many qualified candidates—from our 2-foot-tall media director Jyoti Amge to our fact checker, the world’s largest pumpkin—but ultimately Thomas showed he wanted the job most,” said outgoing editor Craig Glenday, explaining that while the executive board was quite impressed by managing editor Mitsugu Kikai’s large collection of Super Mario memorabilia and publisher Lee Redmond’s 3-foot fingernails, Blackthorne was the only candidate who lifted 27 pounds and 8.96 ounces entirely with his tongue. “After seeing him distinguish himself from an exceptional applicant pool that included the fastest-ever person to enter a zipped suitcase, a crowd of 2,219 people simultaneously doing the Macarena, and a man who crushed 43 watermelons with his forehead in one minute, we are fully confident Thomas is the man to lead our organization into the future.” Blackthorne’s former duties as creative vice president will reportedly be handled by Peter O’Toole, recipient of the most Best Actor Oscar nominations without a win.

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