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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief

LONDON—Citing the man’s remarkable ability to lift 27.56 pounds using only his tongue, executives at Guinness World Records on Tuesday officially named creative vice president Thomas Blackthorne as the reference book’s new editor-in-chief. “There were many qualified candidates—from our 2-foot-tall media director Jyoti Amge to our fact checker, the world’s largest pumpkin—but ultimately Thomas showed he wanted the job most,” said outgoing editor Craig Glenday, explaining that while the executive board was quite impressed by managing editor Mitsugu Kikai’s large collection of Super Mario memorabilia and publisher Lee Redmond’s 3-foot fingernails, Blackthorne was the only candidate who lifted 27 pounds and 8.96 ounces entirely with his tongue. “After seeing him distinguish himself from an exceptional applicant pool that included the fastest-ever person to enter a zipped suitcase, a crowd of 2,219 people simultaneously doing the Macarena, and a man who crushed 43 watermelons with his forehead in one minute, we are fully confident Thomas is the man to lead our organization into the future.” Blackthorne’s former duties as creative vice president will reportedly be handled by Peter O’Toole, recipient of the most Best Actor Oscar nominations without a win.

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