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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Gun Show Vendor Jokes With Insane Customer About How He Hopes He's Not Insane

ANDERSON, IN—While he was selling mentally unstable customer Bernie Lovell a brand-new hunting rifle earlier this afternoon, local gun show vendor Mark Palmer joked with the new firearm owner and insane man about how he “sure hopes” he’s not insane. “Boy, that sure would be something if you turned out to be one of those lunatics who shoots up a school or a mall or whatnot, right? Ha, ha!” said Palmer, laughing unknowingly with a clinically deranged individual about how the man “better not be a crazy person.” “Promise not to do that? Ha, just kidding! Anyway, you need some ammo with this?” Immediately after the two finished laughing, Lovell grabbed the rifle, stared blankly at Palmer’s face for 20 seconds, and left the gun show.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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