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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Gun Show Vendor Jokes With Insane Customer About How He Hopes He's Not Insane

ANDERSON, IN—While he was selling mentally unstable customer Bernie Lovell a brand-new hunting rifle earlier this afternoon, local gun show vendor Mark Palmer joked with the new firearm owner and insane man about how he “sure hopes” he’s not insane. “Boy, that sure would be something if you turned out to be one of those lunatics who shoots up a school or a mall or whatnot, right? Ha, ha!” said Palmer, laughing unknowingly with a clinically deranged individual about how the man “better not be a crazy person.” “Promise not to do that? Ha, just kidding! Anyway, you need some ammo with this?” Immediately after the two finished laughing, Lovell grabbed the rifle, stared blankly at Palmer’s face for 20 seconds, and left the gun show.

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