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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

'Look, I Can't Help My Name,' Says Macy's Cashier Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—Eyewitnesses at Kansas City’s Crown Center mall are reporting that a Gunman entered the shopping center’s food court at approximately 10:30 a.m. today and killed zero people, leaving no additional casualties. “Come on, my last name is Gunman—what am I supposed to do?” said Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman, 33, currently the lead suspect in the non-homicides. “I really don’t know what else to tell you, all right? God, I should have just kept my maiden name.” At press time, the disgruntled Gunman was reportedly still at large.

UPDATE: Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

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