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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

'Look, I Can't Help My Name,' Says Macy's Cashier Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—Eyewitnesses at Kansas City’s Crown Center mall are reporting that a Gunman entered the shopping center’s food court at approximately 10:30 a.m. today and killed zero people, leaving no additional casualties. “Come on, my last name is Gunman—what am I supposed to do?” said Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman, 33, currently the lead suspect in the non-homicides. “I really don’t know what else to tell you, all right? God, I should have just kept my maiden name.” At press time, the disgruntled Gunman was reportedly still at large.

UPDATE: Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

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