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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

'Look, I Can't Help My Name,' Says Macy's Cashier Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—Eyewitnesses at Kansas City’s Crown Center mall are reporting that a Gunman entered the shopping center’s food court at approximately 10:30 a.m. today and killed zero people, leaving no additional casualties. “Come on, my last name is Gunman—what am I supposed to do?” said Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman, 33, currently the lead suspect in the non-homicides. “I really don’t know what else to tell you, all right? God, I should have just kept my maiden name.” At press time, the disgruntled Gunman was reportedly still at large.

UPDATE: Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

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