adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy At Bar Complaining About His Job Turns Out To Be Eli Manning

NEW YORK—The staff and patrons of Manhattan watering hole P.J. Clarke's were only mildly surprised Monday night to learn that the gangly young man at the end of the bar grumbling about his occupation in a southern drawl was in fact Giants quarterback Eli Manning. "Go into the family business, they told me, it's what we've prepared you for—for—for your whole life," the visibly unhappy Manning told bartender Mel Gilchrist, who "really felt for the poor sap" even before recognizing Manning. "But. But! They didn't tell me that people would hate me if I wasn't perfect… I'm not perfect, y'know! I'm not, not—Peyton—and sure enough, they hate me. Not, though, not as much as I hate going to work every day." Upon realizing exactly who Manning was, a sympathetic Gilchrist reportedly bought his next three rounds.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close