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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Guy At Bar Had Similar Experience, But Better

KENT, OH—A story narrated to a group of friends Friday night was almost immediately overshadowed by an anecdote from 28-year-old John Kiley, who informed everyone present that when he experienced almost exactly the same situation, the circumstances  were far more interesting.

"It's funny you mention that, because I saw that band, too, but it was last year, when they were at the peak of their ability and still had their original bassist," Kiley said. "They did a double encore that night. Pretty rare for them."

Kiley later added that he had that one baseball card, too, but he got it in a pack he bought at the store, which allowed him to make a much larger profit when he later sold it.

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