adBlockCheck

Culture

Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy At Next Table Won't Shut Up About The Capitol Steps

LANDOVER, MD—According to Gino's Restaurant patrons Barry and Paula Kallen, a guy at the next table will not shut up about the Washington D.C.-based musical political-satire troupe The Capitol Steps.

"The whole time we're eating," Paula said, "all we could hear was this guy going off about The Capitol Steps."

A photo taken by a Gino's Restaurant employee of the guy who would not stop talking about The Capitol Steps (right).

"The Steps are so hilarious," said the unidentified forty something white male, seated less that 10 feet away from the couple. "Did you ever see Mark Russell? Well, just imagine a whole stage full of Mark Russells."

The troupe, the man explained to his dinner companions, the Kallens, and several dozen other restaurant patrons just trying to enjoy their meals, originated in 1981 as an impromptu burlesque show during a Capitol Hill holiday party. Ever since, he said, a musical-comedy revue satirizing contemporary Beltway foibles has been staged every year, written by and starring present and former congressional staffers.

"I would definitely audition for them, but you have to be an employee of Congress," he loudly told his dinner companions, a couple whose relationship to him is unknown but who periodically nodded or made monosyllabic sounds of affirmation throughout his long recounting of various skits and songs performed over the years by the wacky D.C. ensemble.

The self-described "Steppie" then explained that The Capitol Steps' latest album, First Lady And The Tramp, uproariously lampoons the recent Clinton-Lewinsky imbroglio, going "way beyond anything Leno ever did about it."

"But one of the most amazing things about the Steps," the fan explained to the colossally polite couple, "is that they've put out a brand-new album every single year since '84, and they do a touring show and four radio specials a year."

"They're unstoppable!" he added.

As few at Gino's could avoid knowing, the man has been a fan of The Capitol Steps ever since he heard a friend's copy of the group's 1994 Clinton-skewering album Lord Of The Fries.

"That was a good album," the man noted, "with some really funny stuff like 'Middle-Aged Lady Named Janet Reno.'"

"Instead of 'Little Old Lady From Pasadena,'" he clarified.

Growing more excited, the Steps fan told nearly 40 people, including the kitchen staff, that his love of the troupe peaked with the 1997 release of Sixteen Scandals. "Scandals is still my favorite album, but I think Tramp may be almost as good," he said in his loudest voice yet. "I've got every one of their records, with the exception of 1985's We Arm The World. That one's pretty hard to get."

Spitting a small piece of ricotta from his lasagna across the table, the man went on to describe the "Lirty Dies" sections of most Steps albums. "It's like spoonerisms," he said, "but it's just tons and tons of spoonerisms all coming out at once! It's really great."

Minutes later, the man half-stood to perform several bars of "When IRS Guys Are Smilin'."

"I guess he's really into that show," said Paula, hurrying to finish her cannoli and signaling frantically for the check.

"That was definitely an experience," Barry said. "Now I'm gonna have 'A Whole Newt World' stuck in my head for three days."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close