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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House

HAVERHILL, MA—According to reports Wednesday from local haunted house Spook Manor, the man eating pistachios and viewing a TV broadcast of the 1993 action film Sniper does not appear to be a part of the Halloween attraction. “We went through a hallway with a strobe light and some fake rats into this pretty well-lit living room where a guy was just sitting on the couch, eating nuts, and watching Sniper,” Spook Manor patron Jeremy Keller said of the man who reportedly acknowledged visitors with a curt “hey” before turning his attention back to the Tom Berenger–Billy Zane movie. “He wasn’t even wearing a mask or anything. At one point he did get up, and I was sure he was going to do something scary, but he just grabbed a soda, sat back down, and kept watching Sniper.” When told there was someone inside watching the scene in Sniper where the two soldiers stake out the hacienda, haunted house proprietor Gary Forsyth expressed disbelief, saying the man who matched that description had died under mysterious circumstances five years ago to the day.

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