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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House

HAVERHILL, MA—According to reports Wednesday from local haunted house Spook Manor, the man eating pistachios and viewing a TV broadcast of the 1993 action film Sniper does not appear to be a part of the Halloween attraction. “We went through a hallway with a strobe light and some fake rats into this pretty well-lit living room where a guy was just sitting on the couch, eating nuts, and watching Sniper,” Spook Manor patron Jeremy Keller said of the man who reportedly acknowledged visitors with a curt “hey” before turning his attention back to the Tom Berenger–Billy Zane movie. “He wasn’t even wearing a mask or anything. At one point he did get up, and I was sure he was going to do something scary, but he just grabbed a soda, sat back down, and kept watching Sniper.” When told there was someone inside watching the scene in Sniper where the two soldiers stake out the hacienda, haunted house proprietor Gary Forsyth expressed disbelief, saying the man who matched that description had died under mysterious circumstances five years ago to the day.

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