‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Guy Eats Own Weight In Combos Over Three-Month Period

CULLMAN, AL—In the past three months, John "Jenko" Quigley, 26, has casually consumed 276 pounds of pepperoni-pizza-flavored Combos snacks, an amount equal to his own body weight. "Actually, Jenko weighs almost 300 pounds now, but he was 276 when he started around New Year's Day," friend Darrell Nenn said Monday. "Guess all those bite-sized pretzels with cheese-flavored filling can really pork a guy out." Quigley said he began eating the popular snack food to curb his appetite between meals, but continued long after his hunger was cheesed away.

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