Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy Eats Own Weight In Combos Over Three-Month Period

CULLMAN, AL—In the past three months, John "Jenko" Quigley, 26, has casually consumed 276 pounds of pepperoni-pizza-flavored Combos snacks, an amount equal to his own body weight. "Actually, Jenko weighs almost 300 pounds now, but he was 276 when he started around New Year's Day," friend Darrell Nenn said Monday. "Guess all those bite-sized pretzels with cheese-flavored filling can really pork a guy out." Quigley said he began eating the popular snack food to curb his appetite between meals, but continued long after his hunger was cheesed away.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.