adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported. "We were completely blown away—I still can't believe how perfect it was," said moviegoer Marissa Seidel, describing how the surprising but undeniably apt quip, made during a particularly tense moment in the film, was executed with perfect timing. "Imagine the sense of inner contentment that must have come with yelling out something so succinct yet so profoundly in tune with our shared experience at that precise moment in time. God, he must have felt amazing after we all laughed." Another audience member, who failed to win over the crowd by yelling "Buckle up!" 10 minutes later, was unavailable for comment.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close