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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported. "We were completely blown away—I still can't believe how perfect it was," said moviegoer Marissa Seidel, describing how the surprising but undeniably apt quip, made during a particularly tense moment in the film, was executed with perfect timing. "Imagine the sense of inner contentment that must have come with yelling out something so succinct yet so profoundly in tune with our shared experience at that precise moment in time. God, he must have felt amazing after we all laughed." Another audience member, who failed to win over the crowd by yelling "Buckle up!" 10 minutes later, was unavailable for comment.

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