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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro

NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a copy of The New York Times as skillfully as if it were his job. “He was whipping, snapping, creating these perfect creases, and it was all so fluid and beautiful, like some kind of martial art,” said bystander Lisa Giles, 34, noting that sections of the publication emerged and retreated from the suited man’s adroit grasp with the unfailing precision and speed of a magician’s legerdemain. “When the train arrived, he did this breathtaking double-armed flourish, snapped the paper under his arm, and stepped aboard. Then he did the whole thing all over again—this time while keeping one hand on a pole at all times. And he stood perfectly balanced, never once bumping into anyone or taking his eyes from the page as the train jerked forward or came to a sudden stop.” Witnesses agreed they had not seen newspaper handling of so high a caliber since the late-1980s golden age of newspapermanship.

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