adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro

NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a copy of The New York Times as skillfully as if it were his job. “He was whipping, snapping, creating these perfect creases, and it was all so fluid and beautiful, like some kind of martial art,” said bystander Lisa Giles, 34, noting that sections of the publication emerged and retreated from the suited man’s adroit grasp with the unfailing precision and speed of a magician’s legerdemain. “When the train arrived, he did this breathtaking double-armed flourish, snapped the paper under his arm, and stepped aboard. Then he did the whole thing all over again—this time while keeping one hand on a pole at all times. And he stood perfectly balanced, never once bumping into anyone or taking his eyes from the page as the train jerked forward or came to a sudden stop.” Witnesses agreed they had not seen newspaper handling of so high a caliber since the late-1980s golden age of newspapermanship.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close