adBlockCheck

Local

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News

Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro

NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a copy of The New York Times as skillfully as if it were his job. “He was whipping, snapping, creating these perfect creases, and it was all so fluid and beautiful, like some kind of martial art,” said bystander Lisa Giles, 34, noting that sections of the publication emerged and retreated from the suited man’s adroit grasp with the unfailing precision and speed of a magician’s legerdemain. “When the train arrived, he did this breathtaking double-armed flourish, snapped the paper under his arm, and stepped aboard. Then he did the whole thing all over again—this time while keeping one hand on a pole at all times. And he stood perfectly balanced, never once bumping into anyone or taking his eyes from the page as the train jerked forward or came to a sudden stop.” Witnesses agreed they had not seen newspaper handling of so high a caliber since the late-1980s golden age of newspapermanship.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close