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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Guy 'Just Giving You A Hard Time' Truly Despises You

RED BANK, NJ—Several coworkers have confirmed that colleague Eric Grasso's daily ribbing stems from a deep-seated hatred of you and everything you stand for. "Hey champ, pretty fancy shirt you got there," said Grasso as you walked past the break room wearing your slightly glossy blue dress shirt. "Going clubbing tonight, or are you wearing that cheap cologne just for me? Kidding. C'mon, you know I love you." The news will not stop Grasso from pretending to push you in front of a moving bus during your lunch break later today, while half the office, including the woman from Accounting you were planning to ask out, looks on.

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