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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street

MADISON, WI—Graduate student Danny Lindner, 26, reported that he was shocked Monday to see a guy just totally smoking pot right on the street. "This dude was, like, just walking down the sidewalk puffing on a joint, right out in the open," Lindner told roommate Kyle Rath. "I could totally smell it. It was so weird. What was he thinking?" Lindner added that it was broad daylight out.

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