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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Guy Looking To Feel Horrible About Aspect Of Everyday Life Decides To Watch Documentary

LANSING, MI—Seeking a sense of bottomless dread about an aspect of ordinary daily life that had heretofore seemed innocuous to him, local resident Michael Strzpek decided to watch any of a thousand documentary films available to stream on netflix.com Thursday evening. “I already feel terrible about American politics, advertising, water, dolphins, fast food, and Walt Disney, so let’s see what other documentaries can make me feel terrible about something it never occurred to me to feel terrible about before,” the 31-year-old claims adjuster told reporters. “I’m just really in the mood to feel like complete and utter shit about something I do, eat, purchase, patronize, or support, and I want the depths of its ugliness revealed to me through a combination of shocking footage, interviews with experts, and sober voice-over narration.” At press time, Strzpek figured this documentary exposing the dangers of wind turbines “should do the trick.”

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